One more day of angry protests key to solving Jump Fatigue crisis, agree experts

JITA: With the subscription death toll from the Jump Fatigue epidemic rising ever higher as forum warriors yesterday continued their bloody crackdown against CCP Greyscale supporters, experts have unanimously agreed that another day of unrest is exactly what the forums need to ease the growing crisis.

“We firmly believe that the 0.0 Sovereign group’s call for another day of angry demonstrations against Greyscale and his mad plans and the impending introduction of the much despised Jump Fatigue Disease is the perfect solution to the situation and will, we’re sure, bring peace and jump stability once again across the cluster,” said Gregor Lachlan of the Middle New Eden Fair Jump Policy Initiative, a Deklein-based think tank. “Only after another 24 hours of action will the CCP dogs realise the error of their ways and reverse their decision, which will in turn see calm restored across New Eden.”

Teenage Goonswarm clone child torn between strict Goon law and leaked NSFW photos of Lady Spank

3QE-9Q: An adolescent male Goon fighting in Deklein has revealed that his passion for fundamentalist Goon principles has been put to the test following the recent major hacking scandal involving the private photos of more than 100 New Eden celebrities.

“I mean, the creation of a super state stretching the entire scope of New Eden run by strict Goon law is a much needed social and religious construct in the contemporary New Eden but… LADY SPANK’S BOOBS!” he told Goon-azeera Entertainment Sunday TV.

“We live in a deeply confusing society, one in which Highsec moral corruption is gradually creeping into our daily discourse and we, as young capsuleers of the Goon State, start to feel cut adrift from our own Goon culture…. but on the other hand SINDEL FREAKING PELLION? COME ON!!!”

progodlegend pushes CSM election bid with launch of al-Nulli aftershave

AZN-D2: Nulli Secunda’s military chief Field Marshal progodlegend has added further fuel to the rumours that he will soon cement his seat on the CSM 9 board with this morning’s launch of a new official celebratory aftershave.

The official progodlegend al-Nulli cologne, which was unveiled by progodlegend himself, is described as having an “adrenalised blend of powerful, winning tones”.

“Only with progod’s al-Nulli splash can you get that distinct Head of State scent,” said progod at the launch as his devout followers queued through the night to be able to purchase the new scent.

The launch comes just days after progodlegend said he would consider standing for chairman of CSM only if his Nulli Secunda followers “really, really want” him to.

Speaking to the Nulli Secunda army’s recently launched digital newspaper ‘The progod 4 chair innit Global Daily’, the humble general admitted that he had been “bowled over” by his rise in the opinion polls.

“It’s just crazy to think that not only my followers, but the New Eden people in general are looking to me as their future leader, a simple army man and someone who has few political ambitions beyond removing the other candidates and arresting much of my opposition, to lead them in highsec and low and my null kingdoms, a true honour” he said.

Dyslexic Hisec cleric issues fatwa against gankers showing their cattle lists in public

BALLE: A firebrand dyslexic Hisec cleric based near Dodixie came under fire yesterday after he issued a religious edict against suicide gankers displaying their cattle lists in public.

Writing in his weekly column in a local newspaper, Chesterfield Fancypantz declared it “morally repugnant and a sin for gankers to show their cattle lists outside of the family space station”.

Intergalactic human rights groups immediately condemned the move, with many campaigners claiming that the gankers should be able to choose for themselves whether or not to show their cattle lists outside of the comforts of the station. They also questioned whether any of the gankers were even in the livestock business in the first place.

Fancypants is no stranger to controversy for his incendiary writing. In YC111 he was criticised by animal rights organisations after issuing a fatwa against all graphical depictions of PvP dogs.

Mittani Fan Found Sleeping At His Home

S-U8A4: A woman has been arrested in Syndicate after she was found sleeping in a bedroom inside quarters rented by Goonswarm Federation Supreme Leader The Mittani.

Poitot Police said 23-year-old Melody Wong who it is claimed currently works for the Clockwork Pineapple corporation in Syndicate, was found inside the apartment, owned by the Ishukone Corporation, on Friday.

She told officers she had come to attend The Mittani’s birthday party and entered the unoccupied quarters through an unlocked door.

But the Supreme Leader’s party was actually held at another secret location earlier this week to avoid the inevitable Jita press.

Police said Wong claimed she was a friend of The Mittani’s, but she is believed to be one of billions of fans who follow him on Twitter.

Wong faces a charge of criminal trespass and could be executed if found guilty of wrongdoing. It was unknown if The Mittani was at home at the time.

A spokesperson for The Mittani declined to respond to our request for more information.

Orphaned clone children scramble for Pirate Trading Cards

RANEILLES: In an intriguing development in the Verge Vendor region, it was reported yesterday that orphaned clone children from terrorist activities and mining disasters in the Hevrice and surrounding solar systems have begun trading in rare collectable Pirate Trading Cards.

The young orphans, mostly of Gallente ethnicity, were said to be overjoyed at the release of the playing cards and were greatly enjoying beating their friends in mock pirate card battles. Some were even reported to have swapped their bread rations for the chance to add Suleiman Shouaa to their fleet.

“Whilst this is a fantastic and innovative idea that gives our thousands of children something to do during the long hours and keeps them from wandering the station corridors the fact isn’t lost on us that these ‘pirates’ that they are playing mock space battles with are the very people who put them in the orphanage in the first place with their murderous ways and plundering,” said a spokesperson for the Raneilles Clone Children Orphan House.

Samy Gaterau, 10, who lost his parents to a hostile terrorist attack on their family owned Venture in Hevrice last March was excited to speak to the gathered reporters. “I would just like to very much say to mister Rixx that we think he is the greatest pirate man in New Eden for giving us these playing cards and we love him and one day hope to fly in one of his spaceships, yeah!”

With rumours spreading that more of the cards are set to be released in the very near future it is exciting times ahead for the orphans as they look forward to the next pirate capsuleers that they will be able to add to their fleets. The hottest gossip of a possible special edition gold Santo Trafficante card with added smartbomb sound effects have yet to be confirmed.


Man lost in Jita Mall for 13 months describes ordeal

JITA: A mysterious castaway who claims to have been “shopwrecked” inside the Jita IV-4 Mall for 13 months is now safely outside the shopping centre, according to reports.

The man, who calls himself LoneFinger Corvax and says he is a tourist from the Placid region, turned up at a remote customer service desk two days ago in a disheveled state and in a heavily damaged shopping trolley, claiming that he had been living off fast food he had bought from the numerous food courts as he searched for an exit.

Corvax, who claims to be 29, is now in a local medical facility recovering from his ordeal, said the Brave Newbies Inc. ambassador to Jita, Yoo Wish.

“He’s in a much better shape than one would expect after such a horrifying experience,” Wish told reporters.

Corvax is believed to have entered Jita for what was to be a one-day expedition with a fellow Placid tourist last January, but was blown off course by crowds shopping for a PvP festival and eventually became waylaid by a visit to the Caldari Navy Aquarium.

According to Corvax, he lost his partner three months into their drift because she refused to eat any more Synthetic Cheeseburgers.

“For days, I felt like dying. I couldn’t take it anymore. Another pop-up PLEX stand very nearly finished me off,” he is quoted as saying in an interview with the Jita Mall’s in-house magazine.

But authorities are now trying to determine the legitimacy of Corvax’s story, with several experts claiming that it would not have been possible for someone to have survived for so long inside the space station.

“Even when going for the salad options or leaving the sliced gherkin in the burger, we’ve never known anyone to have lasted longer than seven months eating purely Jita fast food,” said Darrius Omega of the Jita Health Bureau. “Either this man’s cholesterol levels are through the roof or we have a real life miracle on our hands.”

But Corvax, who is due to be reunited with his family, still managed to show a trace of humour despite his nightmare.

“Who knows, perhaps I’ll come back again,” he joked from his hospital bed. “I hear the next shopping festival will be the best one yet and I’m also running low on tech one drones.”

An eye on the blobs and faces of New Eden.