Tag Archives: eve online

New Icons voted greatest technological development of all time

JITA: Less than a day after they were launched, the New EVE Online Icons have been named ‘New Eden’s Greatest Technological Development’ in an online poll.

The new overview identification system, linking everything from stations to asteroid belts, with shuttles and corpses and a new scaling system for ship sizing, beat favorites including the new stargate animation and the new new player experience tutorial in the list that featured on the official Jita Community website, which many are hailing as a fitting tribute to CCP’s ongoing strive for success in the Jita capital.

“Once again, CCP is number one, in your face haters,” said mother-of-twelve and former Black Nova corp member Emily Jones, 37, who added that she had no desire to use the new icons as she stays home in Jita 4-4 updating buy and sell orders for her husband Clive Jones who is a freelance market trader currently affiliated with the University of Caille.

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Spacecraft insurance premiums set to rise

Yulai: The New Eden New Ombudsman of Spacecraft Insurers, speaking at a news conference in Yulai in the Genesis region, claimed that an immediate spike has been reported today in insurance claims involving collisions between Combat Recons and an assortment of other vessels.

Doctor Parnassas Pre-Mium reported early signs of chaos on the intergalactic superhighways this morning.

“It has just been unreal. The traffic gridlocks into Jita. Chaos. People are stacked ten deep. Our claims hotlines are jammed. Local lane traffic patrols are stretched. There’s no time frame for when this will be sorted.”

Red Federation pilot Majestic Unicornlover spoke to one of our reporters as he inspected the damage to his beloved Maller, shunted into a smoldering wreck as he headed to a frigate baiting contest in The Citadel.

“I pulled out at the lights in Sobaseki. It was all clear and then WHAM, just like that a Curse has smashed me in the rear thrusters. I had two 1600mm rolled plates on that baby. Now it looks like a wrinkly old Venture.”

When asked to elaborate on the incident.

“I just didn’t see him. Nada. Nothing. I don’t think I’ll make it to the contest now.”

CONCORD are believed to be monitoring the situation closely.

Joy for theorycrafters as notorious ship-fitting critic calls it quits

JITA: Coffee mugs were knocked over in jubilation last night with the news that notorious ship-fitting critic W0lf Crendraven was finally shutting down his EFT.

W0lf, dubbed ‘the fiercest poster on failheap’ and ‘that pretentious snake-implant-linked guy’, had long been a thorn in the side of theorycrafters across New Eden, regularly deviating from the script provided in press releases to provide his own critical analysis of fits in his reviews and forum submissions.

On several occasions he had even been known to use his own knowledge of the subject matter to provide an informed opinion, and at least twice failed to utilise any of the superlatives he had been provided when reviewing the site’s most highly recommended fits.

“’W0lfs long-overdue departure is a relief for us all,” said one EFT user as he copy-pasted a Prom Vexor fit over to his latest build. “Finally, we’ll be able to stick any old rubbish that doesn’t rely on snakes on the forums again, give it a pretentious ship name, fire out a press release full of bewildering killmail references and elite in-jokes that ultimately mean nothing and then wait for the glowing reviews to pour in.”

Low Security Tourist Board: “We just need the right social media strategy”

AMAMAKE: The Low Security Tourist Board is optimistic about reviving regional flagging visitor numbers, a spokesman has insisted.

Speaking from the faction-warfare-gated-scarred ruins of the organisation’s headquarters in Amamake, marketing manager Buuymor Linkaltz said: “It’s true that we’re facing a challenging period. But we’re confident that with social media, we can start fresh conversations about what Low Security space in YC 116 offers travellers.”

Pausing to post a photo of a mangled industrial wreck on the ‘Visit Heimatar’ Facebook page – captioned “Whose alt do you think this was? Share and Like!” – he continued:

“People look at Lowsec on the news and they see a cascade of violence and despair. It’s partly true – but even in the face of humanitarian catastrophes, we’ve still got time to engage with visitors on the platform of their choice.

“A few of our interns have had to leave due to losing snake implants and things, but we still guarantee answers to any questions within 30 minutes!” he added, as he responded to a tweet requesting locations of medical facilities in Auga.

Questioned on the campaigns they were considering, Buuymor remained tight-lipped, but hinted “we’re looking at incentivising visits to key attractions with a photo-based competition called #lowsecsocool.”

“Though it would help if the WiFi out here worked for longer than 3 minutes at a time,” he added.

New toons just “days away” from running out of Sun Tzu quotes to put in their bio

KISOGO: Caldari experts are warning that new toons are less than a week away from running out of Sun Tzu quotes to put in their bio. This startling revelation has sparked fears that pilots may soon turn to Paulo Coelho quotes instead.

Yungjan Tawasi, a State War Academy spokesman warned. “This could be catastrophic for the community. Without Sun Tzu quotes we could be left with a new batch of clichéd self-help one-liners such as You are not defeated when you lose. You are defeated when you quit and Don’t give in to your fears. If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.” A situation he said “nobody wanted to happen.”

Government officials were said to be monitoring the situation.

Landlord Awards showcase the very best in Goonswarm rent increases

VALE OF THE SILENT: There were tears and cheers last night as the Landlord of the Year Awards made an emotional return to Goonswarm Federation. The glittering event, last held in YC 108, welcomed over 500 of the region’s most notorious moon owners, system bosses and constellation executives,  many of whom expressed delight that their industry had finally emerged from the difficulties of the moongoo financial crisis.

“It just makes me shudder remembering what it was like back then. With rent prices plummeting along with opportunities to completely bleed our tenants dry, they were dark times indeed,” said Leroy Shipstealer, who owns 24 moons across Goonswarm space.

“But I can proudly say that the tide has now turned and we’re well and truly back to our absolute best. One annual cheque is the norm once more and yearly rates are going up faster than we can evict people and draw up new contracts. I’m super pleased that these wonderful awards have now returned too.”

Among those present was renowned proprietor Lord Thunderflap, four times winner of the prestigious Most Ludicrous Rent Hike Award. Speaking before the ceremony, he expressed his confidence in making it five. “My rents are now more than twice what they were in YC 109, I’m sure to win,” he said.

However, Thunderflap lost out to rival Mr Omniblivion, who has managed to hike his rents by almost 300 per cent since Goonswarm won the Expo5000 bid in November. “Just you wait and see how much I’m charging when the Expo actually comes to town,” he beamed tearfully.

The coveted Utter Bastard Of The Year gong went to Massive Swinging Dong, who successfully brought to trial 43 tenants for non-payment of rent for constellations that have never existed.

However, the night’s biggest cheer was saved for the closing celebration, the Lifetime Achievement Award, which went to one of the industry’s most respected names, mynnna. The Caldari businesswoman – largely credited as the first landlady to require 12 months payment upfront, plus 10 per cent administrative charges – this year made history when she successfully demanded three years rent in advance for a POS setup and studio apartment in the Vale  of the Silent region.

“You’re an inspiration to us all,” said the show’s host Dom Moonspear on presenting mynnna with her award.