Tag Archives: Goonswarm

Goonswarm ‘Marry A Diplomat’ TV game show cancelled after lack of contestants

DEKLEIN: A brand new TV game show in Deklein in which female contestants compete to win the hand in marriage of a Goonswarm diplomat has been cancelled, according to producers.

‘I Wanna Marry A Diplo’, which was due to begin shooting next week, would see 12 young hopefuls take part in various pitched 1v1 battles to win the heart of flamboyant Goonswarm diplomat Powers Sa, the most loyal aid of The Mittani and alleged third in line to the throne. But the show has been axed because, claim TV execs, of a “lack of response” and “sheer bemusement at the concept of the 1v1’s” from the would-be suitors.

“We were expecting to be overrun with applicants,” said Ace Fox Brown, head of Endepol GSF Channel 6, which was putting together the show. “I mean, he’s a bit of a dish and he’s third in line… he’s quite a catch. He was quite looking forward to taking part.”

Despite the disappointment with ‘I Wanna Marry A Diplo’, the 48-year-old clone star is still committed to appear in the upcoming game show ‘Fleet Warp Or No Fleet Warp’ alongside fellow diplomat Princess Draghkar.

Goonswarm set to win back intergalactic support thanks to charming Christmas ad

DEKLEIN: It might only be two weeks into December, but many are already saying that the hunt for the best Christmas neocom-TV commercial is already over. Unveiled last night, the big-budget ad from the Goon State has won over both critics and casual observers for its cheeky charm and seasonal warmth.

Rumoured to have cost upwards of Z120 billion to produce, the advert features Goon leader The Mittani giving a fiery sermon in a frosty ice belt setting to a group of CGI-animated Mackinaws and Stabbers while cheerily coloured high-sec elves jump around merrily. Midway through a passage in which he urges the crowd to “erupt the volcanoes of high-sec jihad”, the terror frontman is interrupted when a dancing troupe of balaclava-wearing New Order soldiers burst out from behind a Christmas tree singing The Mittani is Coming to Town. Eventually, The Mittani puts on a Father Christmas hat and joins in.

The multi-billion ISK campaign launches on the intergalactic stage this week, with many saying it could help reverse the mostly negative perceptions of the Goonswarm Federation in high-security space.

“If you’ve been making headlines for all the wrong reasons like Goonswarm, a well-targeted festive marketing campaign with a splash of humour is the perfect tool to win back hearts and minds,” said marketing expert A Black Guy. “I wouldn’t be surprised if this generates a whole new fanbase for the caliphate.”

The ad world is now awaiting a possible response from Test Alliance Please Ignore, who were last year criticized as having a “lack of imagination” for a 24-second commercial simply featuring an alliance member reading aloud a passage from A Christmas Carol while wearing a dinosaur-shaped party hat. Major intergalactic agency Eve News 24 are now believed to be working with the faltering terror giants.

Teenage Goonswarm clone child torn between strict Goon law and leaked NSFW photos of Lady Spank

3QE-9Q: An adolescent male Goon fighting in Deklein has revealed that his passion for fundamentalist Goon principles has been put to the test following the recent major hacking scandal involving the private photos of more than 100 New Eden celebrities.

“I mean, the creation of a super state stretching the entire scope of New Eden run by strict Goon law is a much needed social and religious construct in the contemporary New Eden but… LADY SPANK’S BOOBS!” he told Goon-azeera Entertainment Sunday TV.

“We live in a deeply confusing society, one in which Highsec moral corruption is gradually creeping into our daily discourse and we, as young capsuleers of the Goon State, start to feel cut adrift from our own Goon culture…. but on the other hand SINDEL FREAKING PELLION? COME ON!!!”

Mittani Fan Found Sleeping At His Home

S-U8A4: A woman has been arrested in Syndicate after she was found sleeping in a bedroom inside quarters rented by Goonswarm Federation Supreme Leader The Mittani.

Poitot Police said 23-year-old Melody Wong who it is claimed currently works for the Clockwork Pineapple corporation in Syndicate, was found inside the apartment, owned by the Ishukone Corporation, on Friday.

She told officers she had come to attend The Mittani’s birthday party and entered the unoccupied quarters through an unlocked door.

But the Supreme Leader’s party was actually held at another secret location earlier this week to avoid the inevitable Jita press.

Police said Wong claimed she was a friend of The Mittani’s, but she is believed to be one of billions of fans who follow him on Twitter.

Wong faces a charge of criminal trespass and could be executed if found guilty of wrongdoing. It was unknown if The Mittani was at home at the time.

A spokesperson for The Mittani declined to respond to our request for more information.

RAZOR Alliance to sink PL Titan off coast of B-R5RB planet V in unique diving facility

B-R5RB: One of B-R5RB’s less popular beach resorts is set to become the system’s new must-visit destination – after one of the wrecked PL Titans is sunk into the waters of the Immen Gulf, two kilometres off the Sovereign coastline.

Titan Under The Waves (formerly Sala Cameron’s Ragnarok) is expected to be ready for visitors by the second half of this year. The titan will – according to reports – combine the excitement of SCUBA exploration with capital ship exploration as well as watersport and leisure facilities.

“Not only are we creating a luxury watersports facility for residents and visitors alike, we’re breathing new life into one of the many dead titans,” said project manager Niffer Mac. “We expect ‘submarine titan regeneration’ to become the buzzword of this year.”

Mac also confirmed rumours that some parts of the titan would remain operational while underwater, and that “several” big-name alliances had expressed an interest in leasing weapons.

“We’re inviting diving enthusiasts to wave goodbye to reefs and say hello to underwater ship exploration,” added Mac. “Where else in the universe could you see starfish swimming in the workings of a Draclira’s Modified Large EMP Smartbomb, or mingle with manta rays in a burnt out Pith X-Type Explosive Deflection Field? Only at Titan Under The Waves.”

Mac also suggested that, given the site location, Titan Under The Waves will be able to offer discounts to all RAZOR members and their families.

“For those wishing to visit a titan in a completely different setting, this could be the perfect destination!” she chuckled.

Unknown capsuleer meets with The Mittani after Goonswarm Federation admin error

DEKLEIN: Goonswarm high-ranking officials have admitted that an “unfortunate administrative error” was behind the official state visit made by unknown PvP’er Simon Krait to DKUK-G that concluded yesterday. During his visit, the Rifterling pilot met with The Mittani and pressed the Almighty Leader on nullsec reforms, while also discussing the situation in Immensea. Krait has since returned to his home in Metropolis.

Goonswarm fans feeling ripped off as The Mittani starts sixth regional tour in under 3 months

DELVE: The Mittani fans across Delve yesterday admitted to feeling cheated by their glorious leader, after he began his sixth tour to the region since returning from a luxury yachting trip to Fountain in October.

“I mean, the first time was brilliant and my friends and I all made sure we had front row seats,” said Asteroid Cruncher, 17, in JP4-AA. “But by his third and fourth shows just a couple of months later, it was, like, really?”

Bacon Pigbottom, 19, in 8F-TK3, concurred. “It’s not as if he brings any new material each time, like Suas or Sindel. It’s a complete joke,” he said.

But given The Mittani’s teenage fan base, it’s the parents that are feeling the pressure most of all from his numerous tour dates. “I think it’s just shameless ISK grabbing,” said Digital Ebola, a 39-year-old mother of two in FM-JK5.

“You know, it’s not just the tickets, which are expensive enough anyway, but all the merchandising that goes with it, the official t-shirts, posters, miniature titans, calendars and duvets. Of course, my two girls want everything. [The Mittani] must be absolutely coining it.”