Tag Archives: Lowsec

Self-Proclaimed Intergalactic Man of Year Rixx Javix Unhappy With Titan Parked In Backyard

Ishomilken: According to sources, Javix was extremely unhappy that a Titan* was blocking the view from his luxury penthouse suite in Ishomilken, in The Citadel region, this last Saturday night the 3rd January yc117.

Further, in a broadcast made to his loyal followers via Caldari State Televison Channel 643 – The Pirate Channel, Javix went on to slam the nature of the event and events in general.

“Look, I love events more than some. Good events. But I am also a hunter. Most of the fun of PvP for me is hunting, the tactics, the patience, the surprise, the timing, not opening the front door and pointing in the yard, ‘Hey Lookie there! Grab mah gun Ethel**!!’ Not to mention knowing exactly what this event was going to do to my entire Saturday. 2,000 people, massive TiDi (10% for most of four hours!) is not exactly my idea of fun.”

He continued …

“And still I tried.”

Javix was briefly seen to be sobbing as the camera awkwardly panned to a boy with the name tag Jiffy, sat in the corner dressed in Stay Frosty garb playing with his Tristan toys.

Minutes later and in what many are calling a ‘quite remarkable statement’, Javix went on to claim that the entire event was centered around him and his cult of personality anyway.

“I love events. But I really can’t participate. I should stop trying to do so. I am just a freaking magnet and I get camera drones in my face and then I’m called out on Comms, primaried, and otherwise exploded. Let’s not kid ourselves here, I was the name at the top of the list when the headliners were announced. It is just the nature of the beast.”

* The Titan pilot was unavailable for comment.

** Ethel Javix was unavailable for comment.

Orphaned clone children scramble for Pirate Trading Cards

RANEILLES: In an intriguing development in the Verge Vendor region, it was reported yesterday that orphaned clone children from terrorist activities and mining disasters in the Hevrice and surrounding solar systems have begun trading in rare collectable Pirate Trading Cards.

The young orphans, mostly of Gallente ethnicity, were said to be overjoyed at the release of the playing cards and were greatly enjoying beating their friends in mock pirate card battles. Some were even reported to have swapped their bread rations for the chance to add Suleiman Shouaa to their fleet.

“Whilst this is a fantastic and innovative idea that gives our thousands of children something to do during the long hours and keeps them from wandering the station corridors the fact isn’t lost on us that these ‘pirates’ that they are playing mock space battles with are the very people who put them in the orphanage in the first place with their murderous ways and plundering,” said a spokesperson for the Raneilles Clone Children Orphan House.

Samy Gaterau, 10, who lost his parents to a hostile terrorist attack on their family owned Venture in Hevrice last March was excited to speak to the gathered reporters. “I would just like to very much say to mister Rixx that we think he is the greatest pirate man in New Eden for giving us these playing cards and we love him and one day hope to fly in one of his spaceships, yeah!”

With rumours spreading that more of the cards are set to be released in the very near future it is exciting times ahead for the orphans as they look forward to the next pirate capsuleers that they will be able to add to their fleets. The hottest gossip of a possible special edition gold Santo Trafficante card with added smartbomb sound effects have yet to be confirmed.


Ueberlisk the musical wows fans

TEONUSUDE: Critics have been unanimous in praise for Oh Ueber!, the new musical based on the life and times of The Hatchery pilot and The King Of The East, Ueberlisk, which had its debut on Teonusude’s West End last night.

Oh Ueber! was described as “a riotous romp right from the opening scene” by Cyno Out magazine, while The Oddelulf Guardian called it the “king of kings of musicals”.

Written by Neb Etlon, the high-octane show features songs including ‘Ueberlisk, He’ll Go Far (But Not South Of Bosena)’, ‘Machariel Be Damned’, ‘The Undocking Jam’, ‘Mission Runner Got The Blues’ and ‘Been Gazin’ At Your Cyno, It Made Me Want To Cry’, with a 30-strong dancing troupe made up of several members of Ueberlisk’s own all-girl bodyguard unit.

“Rocky Horror Picture Show meets the Lion King meets Terminator the Musical; the exhilarating Oh Ueber! will have audiences singing and dancing all the way home,” declared the Egbinger Evening Standard.

It is believed that Ueberlisk declined his invitation to the screening because of logistic reasons.

Oh Ueber! will run in theatres across Molden Heath and Metropolis until March 1st.

Former inmates of Hagilur leper colony return to peaceful home

HAGILUR: Embo Jakoli once considered this tiny island system a ‘hell in New Eden,’ a place where failed nullsec workers beat the leprosy patients exiled here and forced them into harsh labor, 24-hour gatecamps, sterilizations and abortions.

But two years ago, old, sick and broke, Embo returned to the place he’d been banished to with his Dead Terrorist alliance mates many downtimes ago.

His savings wiped out by Outer Ring Dengue Fever treatment, the 54-year-old now hopes to live the rest of his life with hundreds of other former alliance mates in Hagilur, a lowsec system which sits off the north-western tip of Metropolis highsec and the Bei solar system and has become a mini-welfare state for failed nullsec forces.

Despite the misery many say they endured here, dozens are returning each year, partly for the free medical care, plentiful gatecamp killmails, food and housing offered to former and current Dead Terrorist pilots.
But the one-time place of exile has also become a peaceful refuge for many after years of discrimination and hardship, the only place they feel at home.
‘I came here because I thought I should camp gates while being nursed by my logibros,’ said Embo, who had a bitter, lonely childhood in Fade and Pure Blind with regular vacations to the Hagilur colony, but came back to find that Hagilur had utterly changed for the better.

Most returnees are cured of nullsec life and the horrors they witnessed and are free to live wherever they choose. But many say life is better in Hagilur than outside the lowsec island and with killmails flowing, a few lepers won’t stop the feel-good factor.





Low Security Tourist Board: “We just need the right social media strategy”

AMAMAKE: The Low Security Tourist Board is optimistic about reviving regional flagging visitor numbers, a spokesman has insisted.

Speaking from the faction-warfare-gated-scarred ruins of the organisation’s headquarters in Amamake, marketing manager Buuymor Linkaltz said: “It’s true that we’re facing a challenging period. But we’re confident that with social media, we can start fresh conversations about what Low Security space in YC 116 offers travellers.”

Pausing to post a photo of a mangled industrial wreck on the ‘Visit Heimatar’ Facebook page – captioned “Whose alt do you think this was? Share and Like!” – he continued:

“People look at Lowsec on the news and they see a cascade of violence and despair. It’s partly true – but even in the face of humanitarian catastrophes, we’ve still got time to engage with visitors on the platform of their choice.

“A few of our interns have had to leave due to losing snake implants and things, but we still guarantee answers to any questions within 30 minutes!” he added, as he responded to a tweet requesting locations of medical facilities in Auga.

Questioned on the campaigns they were considering, Buuymor remained tight-lipped, but hinted “we’re looking at incentivising visits to key attractions with a photo-based competition called #lowsecsocool.”

“Though it would help if the WiFi out here worked for longer than 3 minutes at a time,” he added.

Tuskers CEO never wanted to go to Stay Frosty. peace talks anyway

HEVRICE: Following on from CONCORD’s controversial decision to revoke The Tuskers’ last-minute invitation to the Stay Frosty. peace talks in Yulai, the pirate corporation’s leader has now revealed that he never actually wanted to go in the first place.

In an announcement made earlier today, Tusker dictator Suleiman Shouaa (spelling triple-checked on evewho.com) said that he “was going to have had to cancel the Yulai trip anyway” as he had “double-booked with some other super important domestic stuff and a couple of Tawa’s parties”.

In a tweet sent late last night and subsequently deleted, Sulei, as he is affectionately known by his nearest and dearest, suggested that he was planning a “really big summit” and was “looking forward to inviting all his good, good friends”.

Rixx Javix was unavailable for comment last night as he prepared for his State of the Frosty address.