Self-Proclaimed Intergalactic Man of Year Rixx Javix Unhappy With Titan Parked In Backyard

Ishomilken: According to sources, Javix was extremely unhappy that a Titan* was blocking the view from his luxury penthouse suite in Ishomilken, in The Citadel region, this last Saturday night the 3rd January yc117.

Further, in a broadcast made to his loyal followers via Caldari State Televison Channel 643 – The Pirate Channel, Javix went on to slam the nature of the event and events in general.

“Look, I love events more than some. Good events. But I am also a hunter. Most of the fun of PvP for me is hunting, the tactics, the patience, the surprise, the timing, not opening the front door and pointing in the yard, ‘Hey Lookie there! Grab mah gun Ethel**!!’ Not to mention knowing exactly what this event was going to do to my entire Saturday. 2,000 people, massive TiDi (10% for most of four hours!) is not exactly my idea of fun.”

He continued …

“And still I tried.”

Javix was briefly seen to be sobbing as the camera awkwardly panned to a boy with the name tag Jiffy, sat in the corner dressed in Stay Frosty garb playing with his Tristan toys.

Minutes later and in what many are calling a ‘quite remarkable statement’, Javix went on to claim that the entire event was centered around him and his cult of personality anyway.

“I love events. But I really can’t participate. I should stop trying to do so. I am just a freaking magnet and I get camera drones in my face and then I’m called out on Comms, primaried, and otherwise exploded. Let’s not kid ourselves here, I was the name at the top of the list when the headliners were announced. It is just the nature of the beast.”

* The Titan pilot was unavailable for comment.

** Ethel Javix was unavailable for comment.

RAZOR Alliance to sink PL Titan off coast of B-R5RB planet V in unique diving facility

B-R5RB: One of B-R5RB’s less popular beach resorts is set to become the system’s new must-visit destination – after one of the wrecked PL Titans is sunk into the waters of the Immen Gulf, two kilometres off the Sovereign coastline.

Titan Under The Waves (formerly Sala Cameron’s Ragnarok) is expected to be ready for visitors by the second half of this year. The titan will – according to reports – combine the excitement of SCUBA exploration with capital ship exploration as well as watersport and leisure facilities.

“Not only are we creating a luxury watersports facility for residents and visitors alike, we’re breathing new life into one of the many dead titans,” said project manager Niffer Mac. “We expect ‘submarine titan regeneration’ to become the buzzword of this year.”

Mac also confirmed rumours that some parts of the titan would remain operational while underwater, and that “several” big-name alliances had expressed an interest in leasing weapons.

“We’re inviting diving enthusiasts to wave goodbye to reefs and say hello to underwater ship exploration,” added Mac. “Where else in the universe could you see starfish swimming in the workings of a Draclira’s Modified Large EMP Smartbomb, or mingle with manta rays in a burnt out Pith X-Type Explosive Deflection Field? Only at Titan Under The Waves.”

Mac also suggested that, given the site location, Titan Under The Waves will be able to offer discounts to all RAZOR members and their families.

“For those wishing to visit a titan in a completely different setting, this could be the perfect destination!” she chuckled.

PL retreats to Dronelands, Grath Telkin eats a shit sandwich

ETHERIUM REACH: Sniggerdly corp leader Grath Telkin today gave the order for his Pandemic Legion minions to retreat back to the relative safety of The Dronelands, abandoning his N3 buddies in the process. Presumably this move is aimed at recovering from their disastrous multi-trillion ISK leap into the Titan black hole that was B-R5RB.

Speaking on failheap-challenge.com Grath was quoted as saying. “My corp, my fucking corp, took a hit of around 1.5 trillion ISK. My alliance as a whole took a shot to the nuts somewhere in the neighborhood of 4.5 trillion ISK. Those numbers are beyond staggering in nature and dwarf the amount of money more than half the alliances in EVE will ever see, much less recover from.”

He continued. “And right now that’s what needs to happen. I need my people to get a chance to recover.”

“I’ve been in PL for a really long time, and all the whelps we’ve had have been chump change to the actual members in comparison to the losses we’re facing here, and coupled with BL knocking on the door in Drones near constantly I made a judgement call to get my people whole.”

Grath then had to cut short his speech as his pre-ordered brunch arrived.

“I eat a shit sandwich, I pull back, I get my people right, I get my house right, and I get my cap fleet back in order, and then we see where life is and how things are going.” He said before tucking into his meal.

 

Shadoo accused of product placement during televised address

HED-GP: North Eastern Swat leader Shadoo has today been accused of product placement during a live address to his Pandemic Legion minions.

Rumors of an alleged sponsorship deal with energy drink giants Quafe have yet to be confirmed but experts are saying Shadoo is keeping an open mind as he looks for extra revenue streams to replace his lost Titan fleet.

Goonswarm security forces arrest Pandemic Legion cleaner

YULAI: Goonswarm’s hardcore military government extended its crackdown on Pandemic Legion this morning, arresting the group’s head cleaner, state-run television The Mittani-Vision (TM-V) has reported.

Princess Leonesse, 28, is the latest key member of the group to be taken into custody. She was arrested in the HED-GP system of Catch after security forces obtained information that she was hiding in an apartment belonging to her best friend Shadoo’s sister-in-law Erotica Extreme, currently on holiday in the Immensea region with her two clone children, Abdulla and Clive.

No official charges have yet been announced following the arrest, but Goonswarm’s interior minister Lieutenant 3DGAYWORLD earlier indicated that Leonesse was wanted for crimes including “keeping [Pandemic Legion] offices spick and span” and “inciting tidiness in and around the kitchen area”. She was reportedly discovered with “several” cleaning products in her possession that were intended for terrorist activity “over a variety of dirty surfaces”.

The move follows the arrest of hundreds of other members of the PL movement over the past few days. Just yesterday two key members of PL’s catering team were taken into custody having been found hiding in a central HED-GP basement flat with a contraband Titanespresso machine.

Chaos at Goonswarm champagne shower party after guests sprayed with wrong vintage

AF0-V5: There were ugly scenes at a Goonswarm beach club last night after issues arose regarding the vintage of the products being sprayed in a champagne shower.

Chaos erupted just after downtime at the ‘AF0 Slowcats saved this station’ Champagne Titan Shower Pool Party held in the resort system of AF0-V5 when several guests noticed that they were being sprayed with Dom Mittan Magnum Vintage YC 108 while others were being showered with the marginally more expensive Dom Mittan Magnum Vintage YC 105.

“It was just revolting, a real kick in the face,” said LIZARDMAN INVADER, a GoonWaffe marketing manager. “When we discovered that we were being showered with a less exclusive vintage while others were soaked in more expensive and desirable champagne, we were quite naturally very upset.”

Eyewitnesses claimed that there had initially been strong language and shouting aimed at the waiting staff, some of the staff believed to be captured PL spies forced to don the suit and bow tie, before several guests reportedly tried to take the more expensive champagne by brut force.

“It was just carnage. People were being pushed in the pool clutching the bottles,” said one.

Eventually, party organisers managed to calm the situation by agreeing to add an extra shuttle full of the expensive fizz to the drinks menu and agreed to the use of bigger fireworks with each drink order.

BREAKING: 220 billion ISK Titan down

Pandemic Legion celebrates first anniversary of revolution with historical reenactments held across Immensea

B-R5RB: One year on from the bloody revolution that saw the toppling of their enemies, thousands of PL grunts today celebrated this anniversary with a series of historical reenactments of Titan losses and many more subcap lossmail events held around the Immensea region.

Huge crowds gathered calling for the killmails of the huge titans, expertly recreating scenes from the fabled events of yesteryear.

“It’s super great to see Pandemic Legion commemorating this important date in such a way,” said Admiral Snowbird, a historical reenactments enthusiast from Goonswarm Federation. “And so many really put the effort in to wear accurate period clothing and use historical weaponry.”

The killmail can be found here.

The Kan was unavailable for comment.

Naughty Cargo accuses 3D Horrorshow of ‘building his career by trashing hers’

MOLDEN HEATH: Naughty Cargo has blamed her ex-husband 3D Horrorshow for breaking up her ‘happy little family’ and accused him of ‘trashing’ her to help his own career.
The mother-of-fourteen has opened up about her devastation in a new book – Love, Titans, Lipstick And Lies – which is being serialised in The Teonusude Bongle.
Speaking about her pain following the split, she writes: ‘It felt to me he was building up his own career by trashing mine, all he would talk about was that flaming titan win on blink and his stupid wolf fits and all his friends in R1FTA, all of which he thought had turned him into a rockstar sexgod.’

And she admits that despite it being over a year since he walked out she still doesn’t understand what happened.

She continues: ‘I thought we had a secure, happy little family in the corp we were in together, something which I have always wanted. But that happy family was destroyed when 3D pressed that stupid button and subsequently walked out – telling me it was over in a phone call when I had visited him in Heild.
‘To this day he has never properly spoken to me about why he left so I could never get any closure on our marriage. I thought we were the ultimate spaceship couple, how wrong I was.’

In the extract Naughty reveals that at the time he left her she was still coming to terms with the dizzy level of fame and stardom that infamous blink titan win had propelled 3D and his glamour wife to.
The couple, who met during their time on I’m An ex-R1FTA Pilot Get Me Out Of Here, have two clone children together – 4D, 8, and Princess Horrorshow, 6.
She admits that after he walked out on her she knew she would never be able to trust him again, particularly after he began promoting his new titan win shortly after the split – raising questions in her mind if publicity may have played a part in his decision.

After the split Naughty reveals that she found it hard seeing him ‘being held up as some kind of saint and superstar’ while she received negative publicity and was even called a rockstar hanger-on in the press.

The blogger and New Eden pilot writes that she struggled not only because of the on-going legal action between them but also due to the comments made by 3D about her in various chat channels and the press.

She recalls an image of Princess Horrorshow wearing false eye-lashes, an I :heart: 7-2 t-shirt and make-up which caused a stir.
At the time she writes that 3D laughed about the picture but when things turned sour between them he blasted her for allowing their daughter to dress up in such a way.

A recent unlikely reunion was thought to be on the cards when Naughty rejoined the Black Rebel Rifter Club, where 3D was working, although that soon turned sour due to differences in opinion and an untenable working relationship.

Naughty Cargo recently joined Shadow Cartel after a failed bid to join Molden Heath Super Corp Calamitous-Intent.

Love, Titans, Lipstick And Lies by Naughty Cargo is available on February 14 and costs ISK 18.99