Goonswarm ‘Marry A Diplomat’ TV game show cancelled after lack of contestants

DEKLEIN: A brand new TV game show in Deklein in which female contestants compete to win the hand in marriage of a Goonswarm diplomat has been cancelled, according to producers.

‘I Wanna Marry A Diplo’, which was due to begin shooting next week, would see 12 young hopefuls take part in various pitched 1v1 battles to win the heart of flamboyant Goonswarm diplomat Powers Sa, the most loyal aid of The Mittani and alleged third in line to the throne. But the show has been axed because, claim TV execs, of a “lack of response” and “sheer bemusement at the concept of the 1v1’s” from the would-be suitors.

“We were expecting to be overrun with applicants,” said Ace Fox Brown, head of Endepol GSF Channel 6, which was putting together the show. “I mean, he’s a bit of a dish and he’s third in line… he’s quite a catch. He was quite looking forward to taking part.”

Despite the disappointment with ‘I Wanna Marry A Diplo’, the 48-year-old clone star is still committed to appear in the upcoming game show ‘Fleet Warp Or No Fleet Warp’ alongside fellow diplomat Princess Draghkar.

New Icons voted greatest technological development of all time

JITA: Less than a day after they were launched, the New EVE Online Icons have been named ‘New Eden’s Greatest Technological Development’ in an online poll.

The new overview identification system, linking everything from stations to asteroid belts, with shuttles and corpses and a new scaling system for ship sizing, beat favorites including the new stargate animation and the new new player experience tutorial in the list that featured on the official Jita Community website, which many are hailing as a fitting tribute to CCP’s ongoing strive for success in the Jita capital.

“Once again, CCP is number one, in your face haters,” said mother-of-twelve and former Black Nova corp member Emily Jones, 37, who added that she had no desire to use the new icons as she stays home in Jita 4-4 updating buy and sell orders for her husband Clive Jones who is a freelance market trader currently affiliated with the University of Caille.

Spacecraft insurance premiums set to rise

Yulai: The New Eden New Ombudsman of Spacecraft Insurers, speaking at a news conference in Yulai in the Genesis region, claimed that an immediate spike has been reported today in insurance claims involving collisions between Combat Recons and an assortment of other vessels.

Doctor Parnassas Pre-Mium reported early signs of chaos on the intergalactic superhighways this morning.

“It has just been unreal. The traffic gridlocks into Jita. Chaos. People are stacked ten deep. Our claims hotlines are jammed. Local lane traffic patrols are stretched. There’s no time frame for when this will be sorted.”

Red Federation pilot Majestic Unicornlover spoke to one of our reporters as he inspected the damage to his beloved Maller, shunted into a smoldering wreck as he headed to a frigate baiting contest in The Citadel.

“I pulled out at the lights in Sobaseki. It was all clear and then WHAM, just like that a Curse has smashed me in the rear thrusters. I had two 1600mm rolled plates on that baby. Now it looks like a wrinkly old Venture.”

When asked to elaborate on the incident.

“I just didn’t see him. Nada. Nothing. I don’t think I’ll make it to the contest now.”

CONCORD are believed to be monitoring the situation closely.

Killboard Owners’ Relationship Status: It’s Complicated

JITA: It has been weeks now since ex-lovebirds Squizz Caphinator and Karbowiak seemingly parted ways for good over differences relating to their killboard and billboard enterprises, but now it appears that there may be a chance for reconciliation as one of the duo was reported to have announced on Toonbook that they are now talking.

“We’re still not on the best of terms in the whole killboard thing. But we’re talking and working together somewhat.” Karbowiak announced in response to a question on a live video feed hosted by a local media outlet.

He continued.

“Squizzy came over to my mansion in Jita and wanted his CD’s back. I have to admit that hurt like crazy but I even let him have our shared vintage copy of Sports – Huey Lewis and the News.”

Wiping away tears Karbowiak ended his address by musing.

“We’re talking. We’re working on things. Who knows if our code will become compatible again.”

Squizz was unavailable for comment. His representatives reported that he was trying to repair a broken forum transmitter.

Self-Proclaimed Intergalactic Man of Year Rixx Javix Unhappy With Titan Parked In Backyard

Ishomilken: According to sources, Javix was extremely unhappy that a Titan* was blocking the view from his luxury penthouse suite in Ishomilken, in The Citadel region, this last Saturday night the 3rd January yc117.

Further, in a broadcast made to his loyal followers via Caldari State Televison Channel 643 – The Pirate Channel, Javix went on to slam the nature of the event and events in general.

“Look, I love events more than some. Good events. But I am also a hunter. Most of the fun of PvP for me is hunting, the tactics, the patience, the surprise, the timing, not opening the front door and pointing in the yard, ‘Hey Lookie there! Grab mah gun Ethel**!!’ Not to mention knowing exactly what this event was going to do to my entire Saturday. 2,000 people, massive TiDi (10% for most of four hours!) is not exactly my idea of fun.”

He continued …

“And still I tried.”

Javix was briefly seen to be sobbing as the camera awkwardly panned to a boy with the name tag Jiffy, sat in the corner dressed in Stay Frosty garb playing with his Tristan toys.

Minutes later and in what many are calling a ‘quite remarkable statement’, Javix went on to claim that the entire event was centered around him and his cult of personality anyway.

“I love events. But I really can’t participate. I should stop trying to do so. I am just a freaking magnet and I get camera drones in my face and then I’m called out on Comms, primaried, and otherwise exploded. Let’s not kid ourselves here, I was the name at the top of the list when the headliners were announced. It is just the nature of the beast.”

* The Titan pilot was unavailable for comment.

** Ethel Javix was unavailable for comment.

Jita Mini-Wormhole Tram voted greatest technological development of all time

JITA: Less than a day after it launched in Jita 4-4, the Jita M-WH Tram was named the ‘Universe’s Greatest Technological Development’ in an online poll.

The new public transport system, which uses small wormholes linking parts of the Jita suburbs and the Jita Marina with areas such as Trader City, Downtime Food Hall, Jita Mall and the main hangar area beat favourites including TheMittani.com and the Mobile Micro Jump Unit in the list that featured on the official Visit Jita website, which many were hailing as a fitting tribute to the system’s ongoing strive for success.

“Once again, Jita is number one, in your face Amarr,” said mother-of-fifty-two Erin Dawson, 47, of the Old Spice Trading Co, who added that she had no desire to use the wormhole tram as she ‘flies’ everywhere in a modified off-road Caldari Shuttle.

Goonswarm set to win back intergalactic support thanks to charming Christmas ad

DEKLEIN: It might only be two weeks into December, but many are already saying that the hunt for the best Christmas neocom-TV commercial is already over. Unveiled last night, the big-budget ad from the Goon State has won over both critics and casual observers for its cheeky charm and seasonal warmth.

Rumoured to have cost upwards of Z120 billion to produce, the advert features Goon leader The Mittani giving a fiery sermon in a frosty ice belt setting to a group of CGI-animated Mackinaws and Stabbers while cheerily coloured high-sec elves jump around merrily. Midway through a passage in which he urges the crowd to “erupt the volcanoes of high-sec jihad”, the terror frontman is interrupted when a dancing troupe of balaclava-wearing New Order soldiers burst out from behind a Christmas tree singing The Mittani is Coming to Town. Eventually, The Mittani puts on a Father Christmas hat and joins in.

The multi-billion ISK campaign launches on the intergalactic stage this week, with many saying it could help reverse the mostly negative perceptions of the Goonswarm Federation in high-security space.

“If you’ve been making headlines for all the wrong reasons like Goonswarm, a well-targeted festive marketing campaign with a splash of humour is the perfect tool to win back hearts and minds,” said marketing expert A Black Guy. “I wouldn’t be surprised if this generates a whole new fanbase for the caliphate.”

The ad world is now awaiting a possible response from Test Alliance Please Ignore, who were last year criticized as having a “lack of imagination” for a 24-second commercial simply featuring an alliance member reading aloud a passage from A Christmas Carol while wearing a dinosaur-shaped party hat. Major intergalactic agency Eve News 24 are now believed to be working with the faltering terror giants.

One more day of angry protests key to solving Jump Fatigue crisis, agree experts

JITA: With the subscription death toll from the Jump Fatigue epidemic rising ever higher as forum warriors yesterday continued their bloody crackdown against CCP Greyscale supporters, experts have unanimously agreed that another day of unrest is exactly what the forums need to ease the growing crisis.

“We firmly believe that the 0.0 Sovereign group’s call for another day of angry demonstrations against Greyscale and his mad plans and the impending introduction of the much despised Jump Fatigue Disease is the perfect solution to the situation and will, we’re sure, bring peace and jump stability once again across the cluster,” said Gregor Lachlan of the Middle New Eden Fair Jump Policy Initiative, a Deklein-based think tank. “Only after another 24 hours of action will the CCP dogs realise the error of their ways and reverse their decision, which will in turn see calm restored across New Eden.”

Teenage Goonswarm clone child torn between strict Goon law and leaked NSFW photos of Lady Spank

3QE-9Q: An adolescent male Goon fighting in Deklein has revealed that his passion for fundamentalist Goon principles has been put to the test following the recent major hacking scandal involving the private photos of more than 100 New Eden celebrities.

“I mean, the creation of a super state stretching the entire scope of New Eden run by strict Goon law is a much needed social and religious construct in the contemporary New Eden but… LADY SPANK’S BOOBS!” he told Goon-azeera Entertainment Sunday TV.

“We live in a deeply confusing society, one in which Highsec moral corruption is gradually creeping into our daily discourse and we, as young capsuleers of the Goon State, start to feel cut adrift from our own Goon culture…. but on the other hand SINDEL FREAKING PELLION? COME ON!!!”

progodlegend pushes CSM election bid with launch of al-Nulli aftershave

AZN-D2: Nulli Secunda’s military chief Field Marshal progodlegend has added further fuel to the rumours that he will soon cement his seat on the CSM 9 board with this morning’s launch of a new official celebratory aftershave.

The official progodlegend al-Nulli cologne, which was unveiled by progodlegend himself, is described as having an “adrenalised blend of powerful, winning tones”.

“Only with progod’s al-Nulli splash can you get that distinct Head of State scent,” said progod at the launch as his devout followers queued through the night to be able to purchase the new scent.

The launch comes just days after progodlegend said he would consider standing for chairman of CSM only if his Nulli Secunda followers “really, really want” him to.

Speaking to the Nulli Secunda army’s recently launched digital newspaper ‘The progod 4 chair innit Global Daily’, the humble general admitted that he had been “bowled over” by his rise in the opinion polls.

“It’s just crazy to think that not only my followers, but the New Eden people in general are looking to me as their future leader, a simple army man and someone who has few political ambitions beyond removing the other candidates and arresting much of my opposition, to lead them in highsec and low and my null kingdoms, a true honour” he said.